He couldn’t stand me…until I let him be the leader
Anyone who has worked with children knows that you won’t connect with every single one. I learned this firsthand during my time in Australia working with the YMCA Day Camps. When I was hired, I initially planned to work at a site in the city where I lived, thinking it would be an easy commute. However, during my interview, when they found out I had experience working with "inner-city kids," they insisted I be placed at a particularly challenging rural site. They were willing to cover the cost so I figured, “Why not?”.
Ironically, the so-called "difficult" campers turned out to be some of the kindest, most cooperative kids I had ever worked with. But there was one camper, who I’ll call Ben, who made it clear from day one that he didn’t like me. He wasn’t necessarily difficult or poorly behaved—he simply wanted nothing to do with me. And he made sure I knew it.
Things came to a head when Ben deliberately defied my instructions, making some poor decisions just to prove he wouldn’t listen to me. It was clear that something needed to change. I often tell young leaders that you won’t connect with every camper, and that’s okay. But sometimes, you don’t have the luxury of stepping aside or passing them off to someone else. This was one of those situations—I had to find a way to reach him.
It turned out that Ben had a deep love for cricket. If you’ve ever been to Australia, you know that cricket is a big deal there, but for Ben, it was more than just a sport—it was an obsession. I didn’t think much of it at first, but one lunchtime, when he organized a pick-up game, I was handed an opportunity.
I admitted to him that while I had been taught the rules, cricket was still a mystery to me. Through a series of humbling moments—missteps, laughter, and his patient guidance—I not only learned the game but also built a real connection with him. The dynamic shifted completely. He no longer saw me as just another authority figure telling him what to do but as someone willing to learn from him, to listen, and to be vulnerable.
Control is a funny thing, especially when working with children and youth. There’s a constant power struggle, but something magical happens when you give a child a sense of choice and agency. By stepping back and allowing Ben to be the expert, I gave him the chance to lead, and in doing so, we built a bridge.
No matter where you are in your career, never underestimate the power of humility and vulnerability in building relationships. Sometimes, all it takes is a willingness to let go of control, admit what you don’t know, and give a young person the space to lead.
